


To Rival the Sun

by motleygrrrl



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Drama, First Kiss, Insecurity, M/M, Marauders' Era, Pining, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-27
Updated: 2016-11-18
Packaged: 2018-08-17 14:07:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 18,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8146936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/motleygrrrl/pseuds/motleygrrrl
Summary: Ever since becoming a werewolf at the age of four, Remus Lupin has felt unusual, awkward, and out of place–until the day Sirius Black spoke to him and changed everything. Get ready for some gay teenage werewolf angst!





	1. I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this story is officially my first non-Drarry ever. Yaay! What a big moment for me :) I do hope you like it, considering the idea wouldn't leave me alone until I finally gave in and started writing it. Remus Lupin is without a doubt my all-time favorite character in the Harry Potter series. He's just too lovely for words.
> 
> Aaanyway back on topic...
> 
> The story you are about to read is a sixth-year Marauders fic, full of dark secrets, intense longing, genuine remorse, and, to make it complete, betrayal, misunderstandings, and hurt feelings. Are we sensing all the possible and extremely delicious drama yet?
> 
> Now for a few warnings and just a bit of caps lock...
> 
> WARNING: This story contains all sorts of yummy slash with all kinds of graphic depictions of homosexuality. Don't blame me, I'm only here to give the people what they want.
> 
> This story features a shy pining Lupin, as well a flirtatious, rather clueless Sirius. It also includes an adolescent Peter Pettigrew. Just thought I would warn you for fun. *shrugs*
> 
> There will also be a rather generous helping of teenage angst, both the insecure werewolf kind—of which there will be aplenty—and the dramatic regular variety.
> 
> There is also a genuine warning about the excessive fucking use of obscenities, the cornerstone of both my stories and myself as an individual. I have been told by more than one person that I am quite the profane young lady, to which I always respond with several choice four-letter words—so just a mutha fuckin' heads up for you, lovelies.
> 
> But, enough about my crass and immoral style of speaking by using far more fucking expletives than can actually be deemed absolutely fucking necessary! Onto the real reason we're all here, which is the teenage angst and werewolf smut!
> 
> But before I begin, look! An Oscar Wilde quote!
> 
> —"We are each our own devil, and we make this world our own personal hell."
> 
> And now that Oscar Wilde has been quoted, I do believe the angst is off to a lovely start and we are officially ready to begin…

Remus Lupin had always felt different.

The statement seemed so redundant passing through his mind—of _course_ he was different; he had _always_ been different, maybe even before that life-altering night when Fenrir Greyback had forced his way through Remus's window as the tiny boy slept, only to awaken in screaming pain and soaked in sticky blood as he looked into the most terrifying set of eyes he had ever seen, looming above him and staring into his own with a fierce hunger, the petrifying stare accompanied by the most horrifying hair-raising snarl, the sound echoing through his nightmares for years after and even occasionally still sneaking into the Gryffindor sixth-year boys' dorm to find him asleep and defenseless.

The werewolf growling over him seemed to take perverse pleasure in the whimpering fear drowning the child into a frightened paralysis before him, freezing the boy into place where he lay bleeding and sobbing and trapped beneath the heavy creature until either the pain or the fear had rendered him unconscious, keeping his mind safe beneath a heavy onyx blanket of unawareness.

Unaware, at least, until he woke to the sound of hushed whispering somewhere nearby, low and agitated. Cracking open his eyes, the first thing he had seen was the tear-stained face of his mother, gazing down at him with such sorrow and a horrified sort of hysteria that told him instantly that the worst was not yet over.

And he had been far too correct.

After that had begun his monthly "episodes", as his mother called it; the dreaded cycle of mercilessly full moons, his life set to follow the predictable and rigidly calculated schedule of the torturous—and never-ending—lunar calendar, the one that controlled his every waking moment.

And in-between full moons was the endless parade of Healers he was taken to see, standing stiffly and staring off into the distance as they poked and prodded at him, whispered spells and shoved potions down his throat that they did not even bother to explain, his parents standing off to the side giving silent consent to every test, listening with desperate hope to every suggestion. Everyone around Remus discussed the boy right in front of him as if he was not even in the room, and they never bothered to look directly at him when asking a question.

That was when he knew people were now uncomfortable being around him.

His "condition", as his mother referred to it as, had always kept him isolated from everyone else, separated from the entire world behind thick walls of glass constructed of his own caution and hardened by a gradual self-loathing that grew every time his mother flinched at the sight of him, or looked with sorrowful eyes at the slow navy-blue creep of the encroaching darkness gradually blanketing the horizon and cried as the moon rose.

And since the first transformation, the sight of the full moon had always been a source of such fear and dread, just the sight sometimes enough to send him into a panic at the knowledge of what was about to occur, the absolute _pain_ involved in transforming, not to mention the pain he inflicted on himself whilst in wolf-form.

And then, when he entered adolescence, to find out that his being bitten had been planned and premeditated as payment for the costly grudge Greyback held against Remus's father for supposed offenses made, well, it hardly served to make him feel better about anything. At least before, he hadn't truly hated the creature that had robbed him of his future, his humanity; he had always felt pity for the wolf's loss of self in that moment.

Until the pity had been stripped away and all he felt was hatred for the monster that had purposefully ruined his life. Greyback had certainly succeeded in getting his revenge against the family, all right. The attack had affected every aspect of the entire Lupin household—every facet of Remus's life, starting at the age of four.

It had cost him so much.

It had kept him so lonely.

After all, who would want to be friends with a werewolf? Who would want to be anywhere near a werewolf? Who would ever want to _kiss_ a werewolf?

So yes, Remus Lupin had always been different.

And then the day came when Dumbledore himself arrived on Remus's doorstep, all but inviting himself across the threshold with a smile and insisting that Remus would still be able to attend Hogwarts, stunning him into disbelief and sending his mother into a panic at the thought of him boarding so far away and sharing a dorm with other children.

And even while an excitement so fierce it was almost painful began to spread through him at the thought of attending school with others his own age and maybe possibly even making friends, there had been a nasty voice at the back of his mind whispering venomously that it would never work, he was a freak, a monster; he would hurt somebody, maybe even kill someone.

After all, that was what werewolves did. He was _dangerous_ —to himself, to those around him, to the ones he cared about. He had seen both of his parents eye him at times with fear, had noticed the way they would sometimes fall silent in his presence as if unsure of what to say to someone who was no longer as human as he had once been, as they still were—as he was reminded of every single day.

He was far too aware of what he was.

But then, he had arrived at Hogwarts. He had gazed around in wonder, feeling lost and insignificant amidst the grandeur and sheer enormity of the castle. Maybe at school, in the large crowd, he could lose himself as just another anonymous face amongst the masses—not a werewolf, not cursed or diseased, but just another student. Maybe for once in his life, he could be normal.

It didn't take long, however, to realize that even when trying to blend in with the other students, Remus did not fit in. He was extremely shy and nervous around others, always keeping his gaze lowered and drawing as little attention to himself as possible. He was pale and thin and wispy, and when he spoke, it was always in a soft voice, eyes usually settled on anything other than the person he was speaking to.

After the first week, he was resigned to his slot as the strange Gryffindor loner; face normally buried in a book in yet another attempt to hide from his surroundings.

Until the day Sirius Black spoke to him and changed everything.

oOo

Sighing heavily, Sirius tossed the hair from his eyes in a practiced move, one he had dedicated much of his time to perfecting in mirrors until it was just the right combination of casual aloof indifference. He had it on good authority that the move was—if he did agree so himself—irresistible and even now had caught the attention of more than one witch seated in the packed Gryffindor Common Room.

"Stop bloody showing off, Padfoot," James cut in, drawing Sirius's gaze from where it was swinging around the room noting with satisfied curiosity just how many girls had been glancing his way. "Just finish your assignment already so we can finally leave and do something _actually_ worthwhile, like playing night Quidditch or learning how to hex every bar of soap within a one-kilometer radius of Snivellus to attack him and attempt to wash the grease from the git."

Peter snorted loudly at the words, earning a good-natured grin from James.

"I've had the idea for a while," he confessed enthusiastically. "I found a spell that might help us get started, but I'm not quite sure yet how to—"

"Where's Moony?" Sirius interrupted, peering around for a hint of the familiar golden-brown curls. Remus had said he would be meeting up with them in the Common Room nearly twenty minutes ago. Where was he? Maybe it was his absence that was making Sirius feel so off; he felt restless and jumpy. His palms itched and he fought the urge to scratch at them.

"I dunno," James answered with a shrug. "Probably caught a naughty Slytherin doing something deplorable in the corridors and is hopefully abusing his power as a prefect right now by assigning an outrageous amount of detention for the prat."

"Sure," Sirius grinned as he tried to imagine a world in which Remus Lupin was capable of being corrupted by power. "The day he finally gives in to our constant pressuring to abuse his badge and use it to torment Slytherins is the day I skip naked up and down the dungeon corridors, singing the fucking school song."

"Well, maybe next time we pressure him you could try offering him that deal instead," James said lightly, returning his attention back to the parchment spread before him.

Frowning, Sirius also directed his gaze back to the table. He wasn't sure why, he knew James had only been kidding, but the thought of offering Remus any sort of deal that ended in Sirius being naked was…strange. Was strange the word he was looking for? He wasn't quite sure how to describe the feeling that the simultaneous thought of Remus Lupin and his own nudity caused within him.

Shaking his head, he frowned harder. Why in the hell was he thinking about his own naked bollocks and his best mate in the same sentence? And—he grimaced slightly—why was this not the first time he had caught his mind following similar trails of thought?

Remus had returned from the summer holidays different. Or not really different, so much, but changed. He was still just as shockingly thin as he had always been, but he had grown even taller in the short months they had been separated. His voice had also lowered to a pleasant timbre, which, when spoken in his usual soft calm murmur, did strange things to Sirius's pulse. His hair was just the slightest bit longer than it had been the previous term, golden-brown curls tumbling thick and soft to cover his pale forehead and nearly hide his green eyes. It had an oddly disarming effect on Sirius.

There were other things as well, subtle things that Sirius could not actually specify. Little things, like a difference in how Moony now held his quill, or how his mouth would sometimes randomly stretch just the tiniest bit into the small mysterious smile that Sirius had yet to know the source of. But he wanted to, surprising himself with just how badly that statement was true. He wanted to know what Remus was smiling about so secretly, and fought the vain flutter that surged within him at the hope that maybe the smile was about _him_.

"Moony!" James's exclamation caused Sirius's head to automatically snap up and focus on the wizard crossing the room toward them, and as he neared, Sirius found himself unable to look away. Remus was wearing well-worn jeans with scruffy tears in the knees that hung low on his slim hips, showing just the barest hint of navy pants. His grey-striped shirt was too small and too tight, revealing a thin sliver of the alabaster flesh of his pale torso above the dark blue waistband of his boxers. Slung over the t-shirt that Sirius was suspecting the teen had owned since at least fourth year was a heavy-looking olive green coat with numerous buttons and multiple pockets that made Sirius long to see if he could slip things inside without the other boy noticing.

Crossing the room swiftly, Moony dropped into the open seat next to Peter, who was seated across from Sirius. "Sorry," Remus apologized as he began to pull texts from his bookbag, but he paused to glance up at them and grin. "My rounds took longer than I thought they would. Guess who I just caught snogging Camellia Meadows in the doorway of a classroom on the third floor?"

"Well," James wrinkled his nose in thought, "it can't have been Sirius, since he's been with me this whole time. And it can't have been Peter, since it involves a real-life female girl. And it can't have been Snivellus, since he's an asexual oily eunuch, and it can't have been me, since I have no memory of the encounter, nor willingness on my part if it involves Camellia Meadows. And it can't have been you, judging by the context of your question and the fact that you used the word _snogging._ So!" he clapped his hands together loudly. "My brilliant conclusion and final deductions are…! I have no fucking idea, mate."

Remus looked as if he wanted to say something to argue the comment James had made about the reasons behind his lack of suspicion that it was Remus who had been found getting off with a Ravenclaw female in a corridor on the third floor, but he shrugged it off and shook his head in wry amusement. "I think it's safe to say I didn't mean it was any of us, Prongs," he said sarcastically. "Especially since this particular someone has already been assigned detention with Slughorn nearly every night for the next two weeks." His eyes flicked to Sirius and he smiled that infuriatingly lovely tiny smile. "Do you think Walmsley will be upset with Regulus for having to miss so much Quidditch practice?"

Shocked laughter burst from Sirius's throat and he grinned widely at the smiling boy. "Why, Remus Lupin, did you abuse your prefect authority to assign my horrid younger brother detention just for me?"

A soft blush crept across Moony's ivory cheekbones. "Maybe," he said shyly, staring Sirius full in the eye for the briefest of seconds before looking away. "I thought you lot would get a laugh out of it, at least."

"Oh, and we do!" James insisted with amusement as he turned his gaze to Sirius. "Padfoot was actually saying something quite interesting right before you arrived about what he would be willing to do if you ever abused your power as a prefect to torment Slytherins…what was it again, Sirius?"

"Oh, fuck off, Potter," Sirius chuckled. "I was _joking_ , I never actually agreed to anything."

"So what was it you were willing to trade for my corruption?" Moony asked with a smirk.

"Yes, let's let Moony decide if he wants to hold you to it," James suggested.

"Yes, Padfoot, let's let Moony decide," Remus's smirk deepened.

Sighing dramatically, Sirius flicked the black hair from his eyes and rested his elbows on the table. "I might have made an innocent comment—one not to be taken seriously, of course—that if the day ever came where you chose to give in to the seductive lure of power and place priority in House pride over that of your despairingly high morals, I would agree to skip up and down the dungeon corridors whilst singing the school song completely naked." As he spoke, he stared Remus directly in the eye, watching in curiosity as the other boy flushed a deep red and stared down at his hands before letting out a surprised laugh.

"Well," he began, "as much as I'm sure you would delight in prancing about naked for the viewing pleasures of all the Slytherins down in the freezing dungeons, I'm not going to make everyone who would witness it suffer by actually holding you to it."

Raising one eyebrow, Sirius adopted a sly look. "Your fucking loss, mate."

"Yeah," James added, "Nobody heard Hazel Dedrick complaining, did they?"

Another blush spilled across Moony's cheeks as he turned his head away and shrugged.

"Or Kendra Howse," Peter added with a fawning air of respect toward Sirius.

"Or Piper Robbins."

"Or—"

"Enough!" Sirius interrupted with a quick glance at Remus. He was fidgeting in his chair and looking distinctly uncomfortable as he stared away from them all. "God, could you two make me sound like any more of a slag?"

"Yeah, you're right," Prongs began sarcastically. " _We're_ the reason you sound like a slag."

"Yeah, you're right," Peter echoed, attempting to adopt the same playful sarcasm. "We're the reason you've shagged loads of birds."

"Not all of those were even proper shags," Sirius countered uneasily. He felt awkward talking about the girls he had been with, which was definitely strange. He had never been shy about sharing the details of his experiences with the three of them in the past—what had changed?

"You might be a bit of a slag, Padfoot, sorry to tell you," Remus's soft voice cut through the unsettled air surrounding the four of them.

His tone was teasing, but for some reason, the casually spoken words seemed to pierce into Sirius like a Severing Charm. It hurt in a way he had not been expecting and was not sure how to interpret. His eyes narrowed as he felt the urge to lash out from the stinging ache caused by the other boy's words. "Better a slag than being some sad pathetic sixth-year _virgin_. Better to be getting too much sex as opposed to no sex at all."

Remus's eyes widened as a hurt look flashed across his face before his head was lowered to stare down at his lap and his curls had fallen to hang like a thick sheet to cover any sign of his hidden expression. A tense silence wound itself around the table. Sirius refused to break it, instead choosing to stare resolutely at the notes he had been attempting to focus on before Remus had arrived.

"Erm, well," James began hesitantly, glancing between the two of them in confusion.

Keeping his eyes fixed firmly on the table, Sirius fought to hide his own confusion. Why had he gotten so angry? He never snapped at Remus. In fact, if he ever heard anyone speak to Remus the way Sirius had just spoken to him, he would hex the prat without hesitation. Shame and regret flooded through him, and Sirius risked a glance up at Moony, who was staring down at a book spread open before him and fiddling with the tattered corner of a page.

"I'm sorry," Sirius blurted suddenly, hating the injured way Remus had curled in on himself, withdrawn into himself so easily, retreated once more into the shell he wore around himself like a shield, one he was far too fond of crawling into. "I didn't mean anything by it, Moons, I'm sorry."

"S'okay," Remus mumbled, gaze still fixed on the book and face still lowered from view.

Rising from his seat, Sirius circled around the table to the curly-haired boy and shoved the book away from him along the entire length of the wooden surface, watching in satisfaction as it fell over the edge. Ignoring Moony's startled cry, he settled his body into the place where both the book and Remus's attention had so recently been.

Bending low, he settled both palms against Moony's sharp cheekbones, forcing him to look Sirius in the eye. "I'm sorry, Remus," he repeated quietly, demeanor oddly sober for once. He gazed at the other boy evenly, directly into the lovely green eyes that were a particular shade of green that Sirius was quite sure he had never seen in another person before.

They were certainly different from the shade of green that Evan's eyes were, something James was constantly going on about. The green of her eyes was emerald and sharp, brilliant and sparkling but maybe just a bit too bright. Remus's eyes were a much prettier jade green, deep and warm, with gold flakes scattered in a coppery halo around each pupil.

With a start, Sirius realized just how closely he was leaning toward the startled teen, their faces much nearer together than he had even been aware. He was still holding Moony's cheekbones between gentle hands, and he suddenly realized the intimacy of his actions. He and Remus had always been physically affectionate friends—Sirius initiating most of it, of course, considering Remus's reticent nature—but it had never truly felt _intimate._ Not like it did then, as he cupped Remus's smooth jaw and stared down into shy eyes.

"Do you accept my apology?" he asked playfully, releasing his hold on the other boy and straightening in his seated position on the Common Room table. "Am I forgiven for my moment of idiotic pratishness?"

Moony stared at him in silence for a long moment before allowing the smallest of smiles to twist his face into a pleasant expression. "I suppose," he allowed in a soft voice.

"Brilliant!" Sirius beamed and, without thought, leaned down to press a kiss to the cascading curtain of curls hiding Remus's forehead from sight. As his lips touched the other boy's apple-scented hair, he heard a sharp inhalation of breath. "I can always count on you to overlook my flaws and rash stupidities," he murmured against the thick veil of curls.

"So far," Moony murmured lightly, but Sirius could swear he felt a tremor pass through the other boy.

Shifting away, Sirius leaned back to rest his palms on the table behind him. "I'll try not to push it, then," he said cheerfully, attempting to hide the regret he felt at moving away from the warmth of Remus's body.

"Yeah," James spoke up behind Sirius, "Don't wanna end up in detention like Regulus now, do we? Got to be careful now that we know for a fact how much Moony is out there abusing his power as a prefect."

"Moony would never throw me in detention!" Sirius cried in mock outrage. "He loves me far too much to force any sort of rules or discipline upon me."

Folding his arms, Remus's upper lip twitched as he fought to keep a straight face.

"You all know my upbringing," Sirius explained in a patient voice. "I wasn't raised to respect authority or the concept of rules. I was raised to be just as selfish and entitled as the rest of my mad frigid ancestors. I'm just following natural instincts instilled in me since birth."

Giving in to his grin, Remus shook his head in amusement. "You do realize that you're not going to be able to charm your way out of every situation, don't you?"

Returning the grin with a dazzling smile of his own, Sirius responded, "Well, I suppose I'll just have to rely on my good looks, then, won't I?"

The same delicate pink as earlier pooled across Moony's cheeks as his gaze flicked away. "You can try, I s'pose," was the only reply.

"Oh, come off it," Sirius scoffed playfully, nudging Remus's thigh with his foot. "You're helpless against my stunning good looks, admit it. You've fallen hopelessly into the ensnaring trap that is my handsome features. It's why I can get away with being such a prick and you still forgive me."

"You're hardly irresistible, Padfoot," Remus rolled his eyes as a light blush spread across his cheeks. "Somehow, I've already managed to resist you for five whole years."

"Oh dear," Sirius frowned worriedly as his features turned sympathetic, "You poor thing, pining after me for five long years without ever gaining the courage to act on it."

Behind him, he could hear James sniggering. "Merlin, be _more_ conceited, Pads, would you?"

Turning his head just enough to smirk at James over his shoulder, Sirius raised an eyebrow. "I'll be sure to pass the same advice along to you the next time you come within thirty feet of Evans, mate."

James grinned. "I'll wear her down, just you wait."

"That'll be a romantic story to tell your firstborn," said Sirius dryly. "Can you imagine in ten years' time, little James Jr with his little glasses and Evan's _impossibly green_ —" his tone became mocking—"eyes asking how the two of you met and fell in love, and you respond by telling him 'I wore her down by persistently annoying her until she no longer had the will or patience to resist me.'" He gave James an amused look. "Essentially what you're saying," he continued, "is that you want to achieve a date with this girl by more or less first breaking her spirit enough to where she is finally able to tolerate your company?"

"If that's what it takes for her to finally admit to us both that she's crazy for me, then sure," James laughed.

"Yeah, definitely sounds like inevitable marital bliss to me," responded Sirius sarcastically.

"Oi, just cos you look at and avoid monogamy the same way Snivellus does with baths, doesn't mean that the rest of us aren't capable of commitment," James retorted with a heavy eye roll.

Sirius let out an indignant squawk. "I do not avoid commitment! I can commit—I _do_ commit! I have definitely been known to commit! I'm famous for it, actually; it's one of my better qualities."

With a grin, James shook his head. "You have never romantically committed yourself to a single person in your entire life."

"That's not true…" Sirius began to protest, but as his brain began attempting to come up with solid arguments and clear examples of just how wrong James was, he could not think of a single defense for the statement. It was true—he had never had a girlfriend, had never involved himself in anything even remotely serious, and despite the number of girls he had been with, he had never actually even been on a real date.

Was there something wrong with him? Or had he just not found anyone who held his interest enough?

"Face it," James continued, "You, Sirius Black, are completely incapable of being in a relationship."

oOo

Remus Lupin had not originally been a shy child. Before the attack, he had been cheerful and bright, always smiling and giggling at one thing or another. He had been playful and curious, excited for new things and eager to see the world around him.

After he had been bitten, however, it all changed. He said barely a handful of words the entire year following the attack, and even after only spoke if asked a direct question; his laugh became much quieter and was heard much less often, becoming a sound notable only in its extreme rarity; he hardly ever spoke above a soft murmur, and he became all but terrified of looking a person in the eye lest they see the monster lurking within him.

He withdrew completely into himself, became shut off almost completely from the world, condemned to isolation with nobody to talk to, both by his parent's fear of him and his own fear of himself—and, if he was being with honest with himself, his own fear of the world. It was glaringly obvious from the actions of everybody he had come into contact with since the attack that he was going to be despised and feared, at the very best only ever looked at with either some sort of clinical interest or horrified intrigue.

But that all changed with Sirius Black. He seemed to appear one day from nowhere, startling Remus by standing close and looking him straight in the eye and _speaking_ to him as if they were _friends_. As if they were friends who spoke all the time. Sirius did not look at him with revulsion or disgusted detachment like he was dirty and diseased. He looked at him with bright eyes and a nice smile, and before Remus knew it he found himself responding.

And just like that, he finally had a friend.

And with this newfound friendship also came a close companionship with James Potter, much to Remus's everlasting astonishment. _Two_ friends. Two friends that he could call his very own, two people to sit with in class, to wave him over at the dinner table with large grins and loud laughter. He finally had others to laugh with, to joke with, to fill the silence that he had not even known he had grown so accustomed to.

And no one could make him laugh harder than Sirius.

Along with Remus, the two raven-haired boys also took Peter Pettigrew under their wing, folding him neatly into the group and cementing a surprisingly solid bond in a startlingly short amount of time.

For the first time in his life, Remus felt as if he finally belonged somewhere; finally had a comfortable place all his own that he fit perfectly into. He finally had people to talk to, who actually _wanted_ to be around him, wanted to speak to him and asked his opinion on things and genuinely cared.

For the first time in his life, Remus finally felt noticed.

And even though he was happier than he could ever remember being, he still felt an ever-present uneasiness lurking at the back of every encounter he had with his friends, darting around just enough to distract him while hissing venomously that his friends would be disgusted by him if they knew the truth of what he was, what he had always been—a monster.

The fear continued to plague him, and he grew more and more desperate to cover up the truth of his condition. He lied constantly, claiming that he had always been a sickly child and had to sometimes leave on account of how often he felt unwell, that his mother was ill and he had been given special permission to visit her on occasion, and so on, the lies growing more and more frantic until finally one day in the spring of second-year the three of them confronted him in the dorm and informed him in quiet voices that they knew the truth.

Remus's eyes had widened and he felt tears spring up and threaten to spill over, certain that at any moment they were going to spit on him in revulsion and yell at him for ever tricking them into befriending him.

But they did neither.

Instead, Sirius had walked forward and looked him in the eye for a moment in absolute silence before pulling him into a gentle hug. He had then been released and informed in a very serious voice that the dark-haired boy had given him the nickname Moony, for obvious reasons of course, and which, according to Sirius, was just the most wicked nickname ever.

The tears really did spill over then as Remus realized that his friends were not planning on leaving him, they did not hate him. The crash of relief pounding through him was strong enough to render him completely mute, leaving him silent and trembling from the release of the painful certainty that at any moment, all three of them would sneer at him and call him a freak.

Shutting his eyes, he wrapped both arms around his torso tightly. A warm limb folded itself around his shoulders as Sirius pulled him close and ruffled his hair, playfully asking if he had any super werewolf strength they could use to their advantage. With a watery chuckle, Remus rolled his eyes.

And after that, he knew. He knew beyond any shadow of a doubt that he could trust them with anything, everything, with his very life. He knew that no matter what, they would be there for him, they would accept him, they would never ever desert him, never ever turn their backs on him or shut him out.

He finally had somewhere he belonged.

oOo

"Merlin, be _more_ conceited, Prongs, would you?" Sirius drawled smugly, folding his arms as he raised an eyebrow, feeling extremely pleased with himself. He noticed Moony attempting not to laugh at James, who had paused with his hand tangled in his hair, tousling it yet again for what had to be at least the fourteenth time in the whole seven minutes they had been sitting at that particular table in the library, the one James had practically dragged them toward. Even before they had arrived, Sirius had known exactly what the draw was.

And as they neared and he spotted Lily Evan's familiar auburn hair, he snorted and exchanged amused glances with Remus, who was currently shaking his head in fond exasperation at James, the latter of which was still shooting what he thought were covert glances at Evan's table several feet away.

"Did you bring us here just so you could drool over her while she studies?" Sirius sniggered.

"Maybe he thinks it's less creepy if we're here with him as he drools over her as opposed to just him sitting here alone, staring at her and drooling," said Remus wisely, nodding his head.

"Well," James sniffed, turning his attention onto them, "if you two are going to just sit there with that attitude the entire time you watch me watch Evans, then I really don't see why you insisted on accompanying me so bloody much."

"Oh, are we in the way here?" Sirius raised an eyebrow. "Well, Moony, Wormtail, sounds like we're not wanted here, eh? Maybe we should take our attitudes elsewhere."

Grinning, James shot him a two-finger salute. "You're such a bloody prat, Padfoot."

"Yes, everyone always warned me you would be a bad influence," Sirius nodded genially.

"I don't know why I continue to subject myself to your lies and negative outlook!" James countered dramatically, lips twitching as he reached into his pocket for a brightly-wrapped sweet.

"I'd say equal amounts love and desperation," Sirius shrugged.

"Oi!" James squawked indignantly, nearly choking on the sweet he had just placed in his mouth. "I am not desperate!"

With an amused expression, Sirius glanced between James and Evans, as if to say _who the fuck are you trying to kid, mate?_

"I mean _usually_ ," James grumbled, sinking lower in his seat.

The amusement on Sirius's face deepened and James responded with the same rude hand gesture as earlier.

"Hey Padfoot," Peter interrupted with a smirk, "Speaking of stalking…" With an obvious jerk of his head, he gestured toward a table where three Ravenclaw sixth-year girls were whispering to each other as they began pulling parchment and quills from their bags. One of the girls looked up suddenly, making eye contact with Sirius and smiling prettily before blushing and glancing away.

Frowning, Sirius turned back to his friends, two of whom were smirking and one who had not even looked up from his book.

"Look at that," Peter raised his eyebrows suggestively, "Rose Palmer is getting nearly as desperate as James."

"Oi!" James huffed loudly.

"Hardly," Sirius ignored him. "Nobody could ever be as desperate as James."

"Hey!" James cried indignantly, crossing his arms furiously as everybody ignored him.

"And even if it was possible," Sirius continued, "Rose Palmer is not _desperate_. And she's not here to stalk me," he said sharply as Peter opened his mouth. "This is a library, she is a Ravenclaw. She _studies_. It's what Ravenclaws fucking _do_. It's just what she fucking _does._ " He nodded firmly as if stamping a very solid period onto the end of the sentence.

" _You're_ what she fucking does," Peter sniggered, earning a chuckle and a nod from James. Remus still had yet to look up.

Rolling his eyes heavily, Sirius chose to maturely ignore Peter—for all of fifty-four seconds. "Nothing even really happened between us," he said suddenly, unable to simply overlook the girl's presence in the library now that Wormtail had pointed it out and made those comments. "Rose, I mean. I mean, you know, nothing _really._ And it was so long ago, like last term, so it makes no sense for her to be here stalking me, so she really is here just to study, like I said."

"So what exactly happened then?" Peter prodded.

"Well, nothing much, really," Sirius stammered, feeling suddenly extremely uncomfortable speaking about what had happened between him and Rose, and he wasn't sure why. Maybe it was because of the waves of unease he could feel practically radiating off of the werewolf seated next to him, nearly singeing his entire right side with the heat of the boy's discomfort. It was so obvious, why hadn't Peter and James noticed anything? Without even looking, Sirius could tell that Remus would be curled in on himself, hunched over the book he would be clutching in white-knuckled hands.

Why was Remus so upset?

A moment later, Sirius confirmed what he had already known he would see with a glance to the right. Moony was sitting bent over a book grasped in pale hands, head lowered and curls swinging loose to shield his face from sight.

Momentarily overcome with the urge to sweep the bronze fringe aside, Sirius fought it as he turned his gaze from the other boy. As his eyes landed on Rose Palmer and found her staring directly at him once again, he groaned internally and immediately regretted looking away from Remus. Was Sirius really the reason the girl was in the library? Had she followed him there? Was she following him around the school? Had she possibly somehow already memorized his schedule and mapped out his most common hangouts and routes to class?

But the next second he knew he was being ridiculous. Just because that was what James did with Evans did not mean that everybody was just as unbalanced. No, it was most likely just a coincidence that she was there.

After all, it was not like he had ever promised her anything.

"Well," the single word sliced through his thoughts and he turned his attention to James. "Whatever little happened between the two of you, she clearly wants more."

"Too bad for her," Sirius said, attempting to smirk. He had a feeling he failed. "I never promised her anything."

And at those words, Remus finally looked up. His head jerked upward from its lowered position facing his lap to stare at Sirius with such a pained expression that Sirius nearly reached out to him in comfort, but the next second the appearance of hurt was washed away by a look of pure outrage.

"Yes, too bad for her, isn't it, Padfoot?" Remus snapped angrily, glaring at him. "But maybe next time you could try telling them _before_ you fuck them that you have absolutely no intention of ever wanting it to be anything more, yeah?"

The other three boys sat in stunned silence. An angry Remus was a rare thing, indeed, but none of them had ever seen him lose his temper with Sirius before. Sirius could feel his mouth hanging open as he stared at the furious boy in surprise. Remus _never_ snapped at him, never got annoyed with him, and had certainly never yelled at him in genuine irritation before.

And before Sirius could even attempt to think of a response, Remus was shoving his things back into his bag. "Whatever," he muttered as he stood, not looking back at he strode away from them all and disappeared.

"What the bloody fuck was that about?" Sirius wondered in a shocked voice. He tossed the hair from his eyes in attempted casual indifference but knew by his stiff movements that it was far from his usual best.

"Beats the hell out of me," James shrugged, turning to look at Peter, who was looking as nonplussed as Sirius felt.

"Maybe he's just stressed," Wormtail suggested.

"It is a full moon in a couple days," James added with a significant look.

"Or maybe it's something else," Sirius mused. "Should I, you know, go see what's wrong? Or do you guys think he wants space right now?"

"Maybe I should go instead," James volunteered, already rising from his seat. "He's probably in the dorm; I'll find him and talk to him."

"Well if you're leaving and I don't have to be here anymore, then I'm sure as hell not staying," said Sirius, gathering up his belongings.

Nodding, Peter automatically followed and the three of them left the library—James staring at Evans the entire time they passed her table, causing him to stumble into Peter and nearly trip the both of them—and headed back to the Tower.

Once there, Sirius nudged a second-year from his favorite armchair and settled into his place, glancing around with a sigh. Peter had already copied him and evicted the latest occupant of the armchair next to Sirius from their seat. As his gaze flicked around the familiar noisy room, he found that his mind could only focus on one thing: just what the hell was going on with Remus?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That concludes chapter numero uno on this lovely newly-embarked adventure of ours! What did the internet think?
> 
> (If your complaint is that there's not enough smut, I know, I know, that will all be along later)
> 
> Lemme know your thoughts, lovers!
> 
> Until the next update, this mischief has officially been managed :)


	2. II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains Full Moon Gay Teenage Werewolf Angst. And here it is now!

The first thing Remus was aware of was the smell of blood—the cloying stench of it was thick in his nostrils. It smelled metallic and sharp, sickening and salty and nearly overwhelming. The scent seemed to sting his lungs as he dragged in breath after painful breath. His entire throat felt coated in sand and every inhalation felt charred as it seared through his airway. He felt beyond dehydrated, his mouth tasted terrible, and his limbs were shaking.

As he attempted to sit up, he noticed immediately with a hiss of pain that the smell of blood permeating the room was coming from his own chest. Several red slashes were sliced across his flesh angrily, beginning to itch as the sticky dried blood cracked and flaked as he carefully raised himself into a sitting position.

Suddenly, a hand was gripping his shoulder and a chest was pressed against his back, allowing him to lean against the solid warmth. It wasn't until a palm began rubbing his arm comfortingly that he realized that, despite the light sheen of sweat still coating his body, he was beginning to shiver.

"Hold on," a voice said softly in his ear. "I've brought you a blanket, but let me heal these up for you."

At the first syllable, Remus recognized the voice and automatically tensed. And with their bodies still pressed together so closely, Sirius couldn't help but notice.

"Please, Remus," he said in low tones. "Just let me heal you and help you back to the castle, all right? You don't have to speak to me if you don't want to."

The plea in his voice made Remus pause—did Sirius really care that much? After all, he had shown up that night to watch over him; Remus could remember that much. But just as importantly—did Remus really have the strength or stupidity to refuse?

As he felt a soft blanket settle lightly over his lower body, he gave up any resistance. With a nod of assent, he closed his eyes and relaxed back against Sirius, a low whimper escaping his throat as Sirius's wand began to trail over his chest as the black-haired teen murmured quiet words. At the pained noise Remus made, Sirius's hand started stroking the bare skin of his left arm in soothing up-and-down motions, raking his fingernails lightly over the other teen's still shaking limb.

Fighting back a shiver of pleasure and attempting to ignore the sensation, Remus frowned as he tried to piece the previous night back together. He remembered arriving at the Shack, apprehensive and alone. Where were the others? They should've been there already, shouldn't they? Were they running late? Had they had trouble sneaking out of the castle?

With a sharp pang, Remus had wondered if they had finally reached one too many full moons and had decided that he was not actually worth all the danger and trouble it was costing them. He had been selfish to ask that much of them in the first place.

And just as he had grown resigned to spending yet another full moon alone, the familiar black dog had slipped through the familiar decrepit doorway into the familiar dreary room just before the moon had risen. Remus had been huddled in the corner, attempting to draw even breaths grown heavy as he tried to fight back the inevitable, tried to prolong for any second he could the dreaded Change.

But he could feel it approaching. And maybe that part was the worst part of all of it—the waiting. The minutes before it was going to happen, when he knew it was coming, knew that no matter how much he resisted it was coming all the same, speeding toward him as darkness overtook the earth and the moon rose to illuminate the world in silver pain-filled howls.

The familiar heat had begun to build within his veins just as the dog entered the room, growing hotter and hotter until he felt as if his own blood would burn right through him, melt through his veins and arteries, dissolve into his muscles like boiling water poured atop ice with a steaming hiss and liquefy his bones—a feeling that no matter how many times he experienced he never ever got used to.

And then the change began.

Sometimes he was able to hold back the agonized screams that would tear themselves from his throat as he began to feel his bones shifting, bunching, felt hair prickling along his skin in ripples of needle-like sensation, but the previous night he had been unable to remain quiet. He cried out and shrieked as he felt every muscle, every bone altering and adjusting. A long snout forcibly lengthened his head with a crunching sort of stretch, black fur sprouting to cover long teeth grown razor sharp, low growls already beginning to slip loose between fangs designed for shredding, tearing, killing.

Tears trickled in salty rivers down his cheeks as he felt his body change completely. The burning had spread outward and focused on the ends of his limbs as he felt his hands forcibly curled into clawed paws—paws belonging to a monster. He was a killer—he was everything terrifying and dangerous. He had been afraid of himself for twelve years.

That was the point at which the wolf had taken over and his memories became more of a shadowed blur. And somehow he now found himself in the arms of Sirius Black, his back pressed against the very solid chest of the dark-haired boy as he healed the injuries that Remus had inflicted on himself.

The dawn of the first full moon after the Marauders had informed him of knowing his secret, they had snuck into the Hospital Wing to visit him as he recovered. Remus would never forget the matching expressions of horror on each of their young faces as they saw him propped up in bed behind thick curtains, slathered in healing potions and bandages, tear-tracks still fresh on his face from the terror and after-effects of the previous night.

After that, Sirius had immediately begun learning every healing spell he could accomplish at that age, practicing the movements again and again until he was certain he was able to perform them perfectly, teaching James and attempting to teach Peter, who was a bit hopeless at it. Even after Moony had received an approved bill of clean health from Madam Pomfrey, Sirius had always insisted on checking Remus over thoroughly for injury after every full moon. And Sirius's skills at healing had only improved with the time.

Opening his eyes, Remus silently watched as Sirius finished healing his wounds and even considerately cast a gentle cleaning charm over him. He wrapped his arms loosely around Remus's waist as he rested his chin on Remus's shoulder.

The moment and the proximity were so soft, so intimate, and Remus did not know what to do. He felt simultaneously uncomfortable and content, knowing that he would not be able to move from that position for anything in the world. But the silence felt heavy to him and he felt the need to speak. "Are there scars?" His voice sounded dusty and brittle; he cleared his throat and winced at the raw feeling.

"I'm not sure, it's too dark in here so I can't see," Sirius replied softly, stroking one finger along Remus's chest as if feeling for disfigurements. Remus was grateful for the dim lighting as he blushed, reddening further at the reminder that he was naked beneath the blanket. "But if you like, I could rub dittany on your chest for you."

"Did you bring any?" Remus asked in surprise, momentarily startled out of the intense flush that had threatened to incinerate him whole at Sirius's offer. Had Sirius really brought dittany just for him for the intended purpose of rubbing it on after healing him?

Without a word, Sirius waved his wand and a bottle soared across the room and into his palm. "I got it at that new apothecary that opened up not too long ago in Hogsmeade, it's supposed to be really good, and this one was really expensive, so you would expect it to be good, yeah? And it's a cream instead of a liquid. I could rub it on for you," he finished softly, hopefully, as if Remus would be doing him the favor by granting his permission, as opposed to the other way around.

"Okay," Remus breathed, hardly daring to allow himself to really believe that, without another moment's hesitation, Sirius had opened the lid and scooped a generous amount of the puce-colored cream onto Remus's chest.

Fingers not his own touched the skin of his upper body lightly, spreading the cream out across the unclothed expanse of the same bare flesh protecting his heart, the same heart threatening to burst from his ribs at the touch of the other boy. Sirius continued rubbing the dittany in in circles until he was satisfied by the light of his wand that the potion had been fully massaged in.

Closing his eyes, Remus allowed his head to fall back against Sirius's shoulder as the black-haired boy scooped out another handful and began gently stroking that one in as well.

"This feels nice; you know, after," Remus mumbled absently, enjoying the tingling sensations of Sirius's touch.

At Remus's words, the touch faltered for a second or two before Sirius continued his circular motions. "Last night was bad, wasn't it?" he asked in a low voice. "I mean, like, worse than normal, yeah?"

Swallowing painfully, Remus nodded. Why lie to Sirius? He would recognize the lie in an instant, and Remus was far too exhausted to even think about attempting to cover up anything in his state.

"Why?"

The question was so soft that Remus at first didn't register hearing it. But then as he realized the silence was awaiting an answer, he pondered what he thought he had heard. Why had the night been particularly hard? Was that was Sirius was asking? How honest was Remus willing to be with the other boy?

"I…" he began, unsure of just what to say.

"Please, Remus," Sirius pleaded. "Watching you last night…the pain you were obviously in…the pain you caused yourself…it just—it _hurt_. I just want to know why last night was like that. I want to prevent it from ever happening again."

"Well, I—it's because—" Remus attempted, unsure of how to explain it in words. "I just…wasn't in a good place before the change, and it's already such an incredibly emotional experience when the wolf takes over, and it just…I suppose that a lot of my emotional pain manifested itself as physical pain." That seemed to be the best way he could think of to explain it.

The caresses over his chest stopped as two arms wrapped around his torso and held tight. "Remus," Sirius said in a slightly choked voice. "Those noises you were making last night…the screams and the howls and the crying…did you know that you cry sometimes as a wolf?" Remus turned his head to gaze at him curiously, wondering for the briefest of seconds if Padfoot was making fun of him, but the other boy looked deadly serious. "Not very often, but sometimes, in the calmer hours near dawn when you're almost ready to change back, you curl up on the floor and sort of whimper and you _cry_."

"I…I cry?" He wasn't sure what to feel, how to take those words. He cried as a wolf? His wolf side was capable of crying and able to actually recognize being sad? His wolf-self had _emotions_? Just how separate was his wolf-self from his real self? They were two totally separate creatures, weren't they? He was Remus, and the Werewolf was the Werewolf. He had always known that emotions could directly affect the change, but he had always thought of it as carry-over from when his two selves were adjusting and jockeying for control. But if his wolf-self was crying…during a time hours after Remus had vanished within the surge of savage animal instinct he was forced to submit to…what did that mean?

Maybe it meant nothing other than that even the vicious werewolf within him felt lonely.

"Remus…" Sirius hesitated for a moment before continuing, "What did you mean by emotional pain? What's going on?" His voice was feather soft, and so caring and comforting and _safe_ that Remus wanted nothing more than to fall into the sound and float away, drift along on a breeze of all the kindness apparent in the other boy's words. He wanted to allow Sirius's strength to hold him up; he longed for nothing more than to be able to trust him enough to do so. He longed for nothing more than to feel able to confide in him.

But how could he?

How could he trust another person enough to confess his secrets to? How could he answer the question, tell the other boy what he had kept hidden for so long, when Sirius was already entangled so treacherously within that secret? Could he trust Sirius? Could he trust anyone?

Sighing, he traced a pattern onto the blanket covering his thigh. It would be so nice to be able to trust someone fully, to share himself with somebody completely.

But how could he?

How could he trust anyone to care for him as deeply as he needed and be there for him as often as he needed as well? It would hardly be easy, getting close with a werewolf, being involved with a werewolf. It would never work with anybody; Remus had accepted that years ago. He was destined to be lonely for the rest of his life.

And even if it somehow was possible for him to find someone willing to be with him, it was hardly going to be Sirius Black, infamous heterosexual and shagger of all things female and interested—which were most females, frankly.

"Remus, please," Sirius pleaded quietly, arms still wrapped firmly around him. "Please talk to me. I worry about you, you know. And after last night…" Remus felt a shudder pass through the other boy. "Does it…does it have anything to do with the fact that you're angry with me?" As he spoke, his arms loosened at the reminder of Remus's silence toward him ever since the library incident the other day.

"I'm sorry, Remus, for what I said," Sirius murmured, retightening his hold suddenly as if worried that Remus might bolt at the apology. "I know it came off as, you know, insensitive, and pratish, and I'm sorry. And I'm sorry for whatever else I did to upset you, I didn't mean to do it, I swear," he continued in an honest-sounding tone.

"It's okay, Padfoot," said Remus, attempting not to give in to the glow threatening to fill him at the sincere remorse in the other boy's every word. "I'm not mad, I get it; it's just who you are." He said the words before he thought through how they might be taken, and as he finished speaking he felt Sirius stiffen before his grip loosened.

"I didn't mean it like that!" Remus corrected hastily. "I just—I get it, its fine, Pads, I'm not angry with you. And I'm sorry as well for the things I said and how I spoke to you in the library." He placed his arms over Sirius's lax limbs and leaned fully into him, unable to resist the solid warmth of him against his back any longer, especially if he was about to grow annoyed with Remus and leave.

"You definitely shocked the three of us," Sirius chuckled lightly instead and retightened his hold on Remus's torso. "I don't think any of us have ever heard you say 'fuck' before. I think I liked it, Moons." His tone had turned sly, and Remus ignored his blush as he reminded himself that Sirius was always making flirty comments such as that, it didn't actually mean anything. He was only teasing—not to mention only interested in girls. And even if it had somehow been real, Sirius's affections were only ever temporary, as Sirius himself had pointed out only just the other day.

"I suppose you were bound to have some sort of influence over me."

Sirius rested his cheek against Remus's neck. "All to your advantage, my darling Moony."

As warm breaths ghosted gently over the skin of his throat, Remus fought back a shiver as his heart attempted to break its way out of its rib confines. "Where…" Remus began in a shaky voice, "where are Wormtail and Prongs?"

A quiet laugh was huffed over his collarbone. "About that…would you be upset with me if I told you that I asked them not to come last night? I wanted it to be just the two of us, so I could apologize. I figured it would be less awkward without the two of them around. Plus James picked a fight with Snivellus after dinner and got Peter and himself detention, so they were out scrubbing bedpans in the Hospital Wing til late." Sirius turned his head to grin widely at Remus. "I was only spared such fate by sheer coincidence of them being terrible friends and not waiting for me while I finished eating. They were off getting yelled at by McGonagall and I had to eat at the table all alone because you were in the library avoiding me," his tone became pointed.

"How did you know I was in the library?" Remus asked curiously. At Sirius's raised eyebrow, he hastened to continue, "Oh, and sorry for, you know, avoiding you and leaving you all alone at the Gryffindor table with the forty or so Gryffindor girls alone in your fan club." He frowned. The apology had started out sincere and then somehow ended up turning sarcastic somewhere along the way.

"Fan club?" Sirius blinked in confusion, and Remus wanted nothing more than to laugh fondly at him and kiss his jaw.

But he couldn't.

"Your fan club of femmes? Basically the entire female population of Hogwarts?" The sarcasm was back.

"You're saying every girl in school wants me?" Sirius smirked, and Remus heard more than saw the eye roll.

"Probably half the blokes as well."

"And which half are you in, then?"

"I'm impartial," he replied in what he hoped was a steady tone, his heart hammering painfully.

"Oh, come on, Moons," Sirius said casually. "You can't be impartial in life. Nor can you be impartial to my apparently astounding good looks. Rumor has it that they have already managed to entrance three-quarters of the school into forming fanatical groups in my honor."

"And how many of them have you managed to shag so far?" Remus tried to keep his voice just as nonchalant as Padfoot's had been, but he knew he had failed. There had been a bitter sharp tone to his words, and he was not sure what Sirius would make of it. Would he finally understand it as jealousy, and then turn on him in disgust? They were best mates, after all. Best mates did not get jealous of the swarms of girls one of them happened to always be shagging.

"I…Moony…" Sirius seemed to be at a loss for what to say. "I feel as if I should apologize for everyone I've ever been with, and I'm not exactly sure why. Is this, like, insecurity over being a virgin sort of thing? Are you upset because I've been with more girls than you have?"

The moment the words left his mouth, Remus was moving. Before he was even fully aware of his actions, the blanket was wrapped around his waist and he was across the room, pulling on his clothing. He tried to shrug into the fabric as quickly as he could, but before he was completely dressed and could escape the room, Sirius was standing in front of him, blocking his path by placing his hands on Remus's shoulders.

Before he could speak, however, Remus was talking. "It's definitely _not_ that, Sirius, God! You know what? You were right earlier. You _are_ insensitive, and you _are_ a prat." He tried to duck out of the brunet's grasp, but Sirius was not allowing it. He gripped Remus even tighter and moved closer to him, forcing him to begin backing away, until with a sharp intake of breath he felt the wall hit his shoulder blades and he was trapped.

"Remus," Sirius said in a low voice, "what's wrong with you? I'm sorry for what I said, I really am, but _please._ What's the matter? I don't understand."

"No," Remus agreed softly. "You really don't."

"Then tell me."

"I can't," Remus whispered. "I can't tell you, Padfoot."

"But _why_?" Sirius demanded, voice cracking slightly. "You're supposed to tell me everything! We're best mates, you're supposed to be able to trust me!"

"Sirius…"

"Do you trust me?" Sirius asked, voice strangely hesitant. "Is that what the real problem is? There's something the matter, something you need to talk about, and you just can't trust me enough to talk to me about it?" His tone was hurt and he stepped away from Remus.

Regret raised Remus's arm and made him stretch out a hand to stop the other boy. "I trust you more than anyone else in this entire world," he said honestly. "You were my very first friend, Pads. You were the first person to ever notice me. Of course I trust you."

Sirius's expression softened as he covered the hand Remus had on his shoulder with his palm. "Then talk to me," he said simply.

"I'm not sure if I can about this," Remus admitted. How did he talk to Sirius about the fact that Remus was different from him? The fact that he was…gay? As the word passed through his mind, he shuddered internally. On top of already being a painfully awkward teenage werewolf who was in love with his best friend, he also happened to be gay as well. What would his friends say? What if they accepted the werewolf in him—something that had been done to him—but rejected him based on his orientation, something he was down in his core? What if Sirius figured out his feelings for him, and looked at Remus with revulsion, or worse, pity? What if Sirius shattered him?

"There's nothing you can't talk to me about," Padfoot said sincerely. "Please, Moony. I just need to know that you're okay, because, if you had seen yourself last night, you would bloody well be worried, too."

"I don't want you to hate me," Remus whispered, shutting his eyes before he could see Sirius's expression.

"No, Moony," Sirius murmured, one hand sweeping the hair from the other boy's closed eyes. "Don't do that. Don't try to hide from me. Look at me, okay? Please. Just talk to me. I won't hate you, I promise I won't. I never could. God, how could you even think that of me?"

The words caused Remus's eyes to snap open. At the hurt look on the other boy's face, Remus found himself blurting out the truth. "I'm gay." The words were followed by a sharp silence. "I'm gay, Sirius."

And with that, Remus pulled away and left the room, hurrying down the tunnel in a dazed sort of shock. He had just confessed his big dark secret—one of them, anyway—to the very object of said forbidden desires. At least he hadn't told Sirius just exactly which bloke it was he dreamt of. He was pathetic enough already without admitting to his best friend just how long exactly he had been pining after him.

Making his way back to the castle as quickly as he could, Remus felt worn-out and weary, exhausted and wanting nothing more than to sleep for a solid day and maybe when he woke up he would be a different person. Maybe he would finally be a person that Sirius could be with. And maybe when he was different he would no longer be afraid of himself.

Maybe he would finally no longer hate himself.

oOo

With a frown, Sirius stared at the empty chair across the Common Room table from him. Why the fuck was it so empty?

"Where's Moony?" he wondered aloud, earning a disgruntled look from James.

"He's with Evans," he answered grumpily. "He and Evans are in the library, studying together alone, just the two of them. The bastards," he grumbled.

"But I'm fine with it," he added suddenly. "I've given it some thought, and I've come to the mature realization that what Lily Evans and Remus Lupin get up to in their spare time is none of my business, even if he's only just my best mate and she's only the girl I've been in love with since I laid eyes on her, so you know, no big deal or anything if they currently happen to be snogging up against a bookshelf or anything."

Biting back the urge to mock him, Sirius simply raised an eyebrow as his lips twitched. "Oh come on, Prongs," he waved, "it's _Moony_. He's the last person you should be worried about snogging Evans. Well," his brow wrinkled, "there is Peter. And Snivellus, of course," he snickered.

But the other boy did not laugh, instead looking very serious as he leaned in closer across the table. "Has Remus seemed a little…off to you lately?" James asked in a quiet voice. "He's been acting strangely, and avoiding us a lot. What if there really is something going on with him and Lily? What if he's been acting weird out of guilt or something? They're such good friends, much closer than her and I are. Sirius, you don't think he would do that to me, do you?"

All traces of Sirius's earlier humor were gone as he gazed somberly at his friend. "Of course not, James," he said firmly. "It's _Remus_. Besides, I happen to know for a fact that he isn't interested in Lily."

"How do you know?" James asked immediately, looking hopeful. "Did he tell you he fancies someone else? I've never actually known him to fancy anyone, come to think of it."

"Well, he didn't actually tell me anyone specific," Sirius frowned, not liking at all the idea of Remus having feelings for some unknown faceless boy. "But I know for sure that it isn't Evans. So calm down already, Prongs."

"Did the two of you end up talking, then?" James wondered, pushing his books to the side of the Common Room table they were seated at. "After the full moon, when you ever so politely asked Peter and myself not to be there for our friend so you could have the chance to speak to him about why he was so angry with you?"

"Uh, yeah, we talked," Sirius answered carefully. He wasn't sure how much to tell James, or how much Remus would want him to. Knowing Remus and his walls and his intense privacy, Sirius knew that his friend did not want anybody else knowing what had been admitted.

"So what happened?" James prodded. "What'd you two talk about? What was the problem?"

"Uh…well, he's just…you know, worried about stuff, and stressed right now, and I think part of it was the full moon, and I think the biggest part of him feels lonely, and he told me that he's worried we'll hate him," Sirius winced as the words left his mouth. He had not meant to add any of that last part.

Oops.

"Hate him for what?" James asked in surprise. "What the hell would we hate him for?"

"Oh, you know Moony," Sirius said weakly. "He's always been shy and insecure, it's adorable." He clamped his lips shut. What was wrong with him? Why was he saying those things and where were they coming from?

"Adorable?" Dark eyebrows disappeared beneath black hair as James looked at Sirius oddly. But the next moment he shrugged. "I suppose our little werewolf is adorable, isn't he?" His expression turned worried. "You don't think Evans has noticed that he's adorable, do you?"

With a snort, Sirius turned away.

That had been close.

oOo

"Moony!"

At the familiar voice, Remus thought about quickening his stride but knew it would be useless. Judging by the adamant ring to his call, Sirius would chase him down if necessary. Deciding to allow the other boy to catch up, Remus compromised by refusing to look at him as they walked down the corridor, instead focusing his attention on a strap he was fiddling with on the bookbag slung heavily over his left shoulder.

"Moony," Sirius tried again, but Remus did not look at him or respond.

"Remus, stop!"

The next thing he knew, he had been pulled to a halt and Sirius's hand was gripping his elbow tightly.

"What is your problem?" he demanded hotly, tightening his hold. "Why have you been avoiding me for a solid fucking week?"

"I have not," Remus sulked in a low voice, wanting to cross his arms defensively but unable to do so with Sirius's current grip on his elbow.

"Yes, you fucking have," Sirius growled, grey eyes flashing as he took a step closer. "You ran out of the Shack before I could stop you, and since then, I've hardly seen you! You spend all of your time with Evans, and you two have been avoiding me and James like we're fucking lepers!"

"Well, I—I just—I thought—" Remus stammered, remorse flooding his cheeks with color. "I'm sorry, Sirius, I just—I thought that you would maybe not want to be around me so much after what I told you."

"What, you mean because you're gay? You don't trust me to be able to accept you?" Sirius's voice was angry, but there was a tinge to his words that Remus suspected might be hurt. "So, when you told me your secret, it was told out of fear and not out of an actual trust you have in me. Wow, thank you for that, Remus. It's nice to know that after all these years, my best friend doesn't trust me." His tone was wounded, despite the obvious anger.

"I do trust you!" Remus cried, wishing fiercely that he was not there taking part in that conversation. "I told you already: I trust you more than anybody else in the world!"

"Then why can't you talk to me about this?" Sirius asked accusingly, finally releasing Remus's limb to fold his arms across his chest. "You've been avoiding me instead of talking to me. So what, Remus? So fucking what if you like boys? Why would you think that would change anything? Do you have such little faith in us as friends that you think that something like this would turn us against you? Do you have such little faith in yourself that you think us able to accept the wolf in you, but not the fact that you fancy blokes?

"And so fucking what if you fancy blokes?" he continued, voice getting louder. "Lots of people fancy blokes! Evans fancies blokes, and Camellia Meadows fancies blokes, and your _mum_ fancies blokes, and _my_ mum fancies…well, screaming and blood supremacy and telling me how shit I am as a son, but I'm sure in her younger, more carefree days she at some point fancied blokes." He paused to take a breath. "My point is, Remus, that you're not the first person in the world to find out they're turned on by guys. Trust me when I tell you, it's not a new revelation.

"So what you're going to do," he continued, "is remember that we are your friends, and we love you, and to get the fuck over it already, because if we can accept the fact that we allow ourselves to be seen in public with someone with hair as horrendous as James, then we would of course have no problem accepting your orientation, Moony!"

The loud rant was met with silence. "So deal with it," Sirius added, appearing self-conscious now that he was no longer yelling. Remus stared at him in shock and a growing bemusement. For a moment, Sirius looked worried that he would refuse to respond, but the next second a large grin had broken out across Remus's face.

"Your mum fancies screaming and blood supremacy over everything else?"

"Some people do prioritize things over cock, you know," Sirius rolled his eyes, chuckling as the word made Remus blush. "Can I ask you a question? I mean, it's a bit personal, so you don't have to answer if you don't want to, I'm just curious."

At Remus's wary nod, he continued. "How far have you ever gone with a guy?"

A startled laugh burst from Remus's throat. "How far?" His laugh was strange and high-pitched. "Try nowhere."

"Like nowhere at all nowhere?" Sirius sounded surprised.

"Werewolves aren't exactly sought-after dates, believe it or not," Remus responded sarcastically.

At the sardonic tone overlaying the other boy's words, Sirius sighed sadly. "You really have no idea why someone might fancy you, do you?"

"Padfoot," Remus said patiently, "nobody _does_ fancy me. That's probably why there are no reasons."

"How do you know if no blokes fancy you?" Sirius demanded. "You haven't even come out yet! Christ, Remus, at least give yourself a chance before deciding to just give up completely."

"I haven't decided to just _give up completely_ ," Remus said uncomfortably. He knew full well how terribly insecure he was, and it was not something he liked having pointed out to him by those he was close to.

"Good," Sirius said, poking him sharply. "Because you're a right catch you are, Remus Lupin, when you're not being all moody and sulky. Although it does give you that whole tortured-loner-poet vibe, so maybe you really could work the whole brooding, sulky angle."

"I am not sulky!" Remus shouted. Raising one eyebrow, Sirius's lips twitched as Remus folded his arms and huffed. "I am not sulky," he muttered.

"You are a bit, but it's endearing, so don't worry," Sirius grinned.

Remus returned the smile for several seconds before it vanished. "Look, Sirius," he sighed heavily, "I appreciate what you're doing and everything you've been saying. But the truth is that nobody is ever going to want to be with a werewolf. You know it's true. So it really doesn't even matter if I'm gay, because, in all honesty, it won't make a difference who I fancy. No one will ever look at me in the same way."

"Remus, that's not true!" Sirius insisted in an appalled voice. "God, what's the matter with you?"

"Nobody's ever even kissed me, Padfoot," Remus admitted in a defeated voice. "Nobody's ever wanted to. The Marauders are the only ones who know I'm a werewolf, and even without that horrifying knowledge nobody wants me."

"Well," Sirius said slowly, as if thinking his next words over carefully, "would you like to know what it's like?"

"Know what what's like?" Remus asked dully.

"Being kissed."

The words were spoken so matter-of-factly, so casually, as if the offer of a kiss from Sirius Black was not enough to possibly stop a young werewolf's heart for good.

"What?" Remus croaked. "You want to… _kiss_ me?" He expected Sirius to deny it, to confess that it was a badly timed joke.

But instead, he gazed evenly at Remus. "Yes," he said.

" _Why_?"

"Because I want you to know what its like," Sirius responded calmly. "I want you to know that there _are_ people in this world willing and happy to kiss you, even if you are a werewolf. And maybe then you'll finally realize that it's more than possible to find someone able to love you for everything you are, instead of in spite of everything about yourself you see as a flaw."

Remus felt as if he couldn't breathe. Was Sirius Black offering to be his first kiss? Was he saying that he did not view Remus in the same negative critical light that Remus saw himself permanently cast in?

No. It was too good to actually be happening, and Remus would not allow himself to believe the offer was genuine. And a quieter part of him admitted to himself that, while it was just a casual offer made out of kindness from Sirius, a gesture of friendship—and, a hissing voice reminded him, most likely driven out of pity—it would be so much more to Remus.

It would be far too much to Remus.

"No," he whispered, falling back a step. "No, Padfoot, really, i-it's okay," he attempted a weak laugh. "Thanks for coming to find me, to you know, talk and everything. But I have prefect rounds, so I should go. But we're fine, everything between us, I mean, so don't be worried, yeah?"

"If you're sure, Moons," Sirius sounded uncertain.

"I am," Remus said as firmly as he was able.

And, cursing the Sorting Hat for placing him in Gryffindor instead of in Slytherin like the coward he was, he turned and all but ran away from the bemused-looking raven-haired boy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So close on the kiss! Will it ever finally happen? Will Remus ever admit his feelings? Will Sirius ever return them? All shall be answered in time!


	3. III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do believe that first kisses and drama were promised and wouldja look at that, here they are now!

Since the age of eleven, Remus had always known he was different from the other boys in his year—beyond being a werewolf, of course. He was always quiet, he never acted out, and he never mentioned girls. And he did not recognize the reasons why he never spoke about girls in the same way that James and Sirius and Peter did until he was thirteen years old.

The realization that he had never had a crush on a girl hit him several minutes after a solid fist of jealousy sank into his stomach at the sight of Sirius kissing Daisy Audley behind one of the greenhouses one day before dinner. That was when he finally recognized the feelings of admiration and slight hero-worship he had for Sirius Black for what they really were.

As the realization slammed into him forcefully that he was falling—long fallen, if he was being honest with himself; he knew without a doubt that he had belonged to Sirius the moment the boy had spoken to him—for his best friend, he was not sure how to react to it. He was not even sure how to understand it. How could he have feelings for his best friend? It was true that he had not had very much experience with friendships in the past, but he knew that that was not how they were supposed to work. Remus was not supposed to like boys, and he was not supposed to like Sirius.

But God help him, he did.

And by the time fourth year had ended and he was faced with the lonely prospect of yet another long summer without Sirius, he knew. He knew without any doubt in his mind: he was completely, absolutely, irreversibly, unquestionably, painfully in love with Sirius Black.

And he knew just as certainly that Sirius would never love him back.

Not to say that the other boy didn't love him, of course; obviously, he cared for Remus. But not in the same agonizing, burning, all-consuming way that Remus felt toward him. It would never be in the way that Remus so desperately wished.

Every day he watched Sirius. Every day he stood near him; spoke to him, laughed with him, touched him, even, occasionally. But it was never enough, and every day it only served to remind him of what he would never be able to have.

He would never have Sirius. He would never have anybody.

Or, more accurately, nobody would ever have _him_.

Remus was tainted, polluted, damaged. He wasn't even fully human. He was skinny and weak, quiet, shy, and pathetic. Why would anybody ever want to be with him? He was hideous; scarred. He had a monster living inside of him, making him dangerous to be around. He was not worth the risk that would come attached to being involved with a werewolf.

He did not deserve Sirius.

To Remus, there had never been anyone more perfect than Sirius Black. He had always been stunning, always been so dazzling and beautiful that it hurt sometimes to look at him, as if when Remus gazed at him, he was staring directly into the face of the sun. Sirius was funny and clever, both impressively intelligent and extremely charming when he wanted to be. He was comfortable being around others and had always been able to make friends quickly. There was an easy relaxed air that seemed to always hang around him as if he exuded good-natured calm.

His ability to not take life too seriously was something that Remus had always admired. The talent he possessed at being able to laugh things off had always been envied as well by Remus, who felt as if he had only ever viewed life through somber, melancholy eyes.

But finally, he had others to laugh with, to make him laugh and to laugh at his jokes. And Sirius was the one person who had always been able to make him laugh.

Remus had fallen in love with him before he had even been aware of it.

oOo

The dungeon corridor felt colder than normal as Sirius hurried along it. Or maybe it only felt colder due to the late hour and the fact that he was alone. Either way, the dungeons were miserable and damp and he wanted nothing more than to return to the warm comfort of the Gryffindor Tower.

 _Stupid fucking Slughorn_ , Sirius thought venomously as he continued along the dark passage. _And fuck Snivellus as well, the stupid, slimy git. Stupid prat can't take a fucking joke_. It had only been a harmless prank; every time Snape turned his back, Sirius would levitate one of his Potions ingredients away from his station. Until he had "accidentally"—impulsiveness could be termed a sort of accident, couldn't it?—levitated some sort of large blue-capped mushroom into the cauldron, causing it to overflow all over Snape and nearly blow up in his face.

But it hadn't, and he had turned out all right. Giving Sirius detention for an accident hardly seemed fair. James had laughed, Peter had chortled, and Remus had not even glanced his direction as Slughorn assigned him three days' worth of detention. And finally, his three days were over with and he was free once more—just as soon as he escaped the dungeons.

"Bit lost, aren't we, Black?" A soft voice came from the shadows, and Sirius whipped automatically around to face it as a figure stepped out into the weak torchlight. "What are you doing wandering down here all alone?"

"None of your fucking business, Lestrange," Sirius replied coolly, recognizing Rabastan Lestrange from the oily tones of the other boy's voice. He had a discernibly smooth, continuous way of speaking, one word seeming to slither into the next and never failing to raise the hairs on Sirius's arms in discomfort.

"So impolite, isn't he?" Lestrange sighed heavily. "I only asked a simple question."

"What else would you expect from a fucking Gryffindor?" a familiar nasally voice spoke up from somewhere behind him.

A feeling of unease passed through Sirius as he turned to face Severus Snape.

"You lot patrolling in packs, now?" Sirius raised an eyebrow. "Or have the two of you taken to stalking me? Cos I can tell you, if this is your idea of flirting, you're going about it all wrong."

"As if, pervert," Lestrange growled, moving closer.

"Well, if you're not here to flirt," Sirius smirked, attempting to remain outwardly cool although his insides felt rather fluttery, "why are you moving closer to me?" The question made Lestrange pause.

"We're here to offer you a reminder, Black," Snape said softly behind him.

"I assure you my mind is as sharp as it's ever been, but thanks for the concern," Sirius responded sarcastically, heart beginning to pound. He wasn't afraid of either of the two boys, but he did not like the idea of being ganged up on in Slytherin territory. He knew he could handle Snivellus, but Rabastan had always been rather unpredictable. The only thing he had ever been consistent in before was his cruelty.

 _Typical vicious fucking Slytherin,_ Sirius thought, as his eyes narrowed.

"But you haven't even heard what the reminder is," Snape said in a dangerous voice.

"And I'm afraid I don't care," Sirius shrugged. "Now, I'm sure the two of you would agree with me when I say I have better places to be, and better people to be speaking with. So if you gentlemen will excuse me now, I'll just be on my way back to the less unpleasant parts of the castle."

As he strode away, heart pounding, he cast a non-verbal Shield Charm—he had always been rather good at the non-verbals—around himself, waiting for something to happen. He did not have to wait long.

Just as he reached the end of the corridor, he felt something hit his shield and turned in time to see the spell rebound and speed back toward Snape. The sneer vanished from his face as he was wrenched suddenly upward by his ankle to hang suspended in midair, looking murderous.

"Stupefy!" Sirius shouted, and the spell hit Snape just as a jet of light hit Sirius. Letting out a pained cry, Sirius stumbled backward and nearly fell as Rabastan began to advance with a smirk.

"Those bad manners seem to have gotten you into trouble yet again," Lestrange drawled, the slippery-sounding words dripping from his mouth like polluted water. "I expected you to have been raised better than this, Sirius," he tutted. "Regulus never behaves this badly."

"Good," Sirius spat. "The more differences between myself and my brother, not to mention the rest of you fucking lot, the happier I'll be."

"You shouldn't be so quick to dismiss real family like that," Lestrange commented, moving closer. "Who else will you have left in the end, after all?"

Sirius laughed coldly. "Just because my brother and I share blood doesn't make us real family. It makes us blood-related. I have a real family outside of my kin, thank you very much."

Tilting his head, Lestrange gazed at him with pity. "You mean your idiotic band of Gryffindors? Hardly what I would call a family."

"That just goes to show how little you know about relationships involving actual loyalty," Sirius countered.

"Yes, trust a Gryffindor to bring the matter of loyalty into everything," the other boy sighed. He had paused in his advancement and now stood very close to Sirius.

"Did you corner me just to lecture me on the nonexistent value of my useless relatives?" Sirius asked in a bored voice, but the grip on his wand was painfully tight. "Because if you did, I would personally rather not stick around for it. But thanks for thinking of me, darling. Your concern is always welcome, but in future, I would suggest working on your come-ons. _Such_ bad flirting," he tutted. As the other boy's face twisted in rage and disgust, Sirius felt a surge of satisfaction. Until the same spell Lestrange had cast earlier hit Sirius for a second time, and he cried out in pain.

"Impedimenta!" he shouted, aiming at the tall Slytherin, but Lestrange managed to duck the jet of light.

Just as the Slytherin raised his wand to retaliate, it was suddenly jerked from his hands. Sirius whipped his head around to see Remus holding the caught wand and staring calmly at Lestrange.

"What's going on here?" Moony asked softly, folding his arms and gazing around the corridor. Sirius was rubbing the back of his wand hand where he could feel a large welt beginning to form from Rabastan's spell; Rabastan was glaring at Remus, and Snape was still unconscious and hanging upside down like some grotesque oversized bat.

"Just chatting," Lestrange answered coolly, shifting his weight and staring disdainfully down at Remus.

"After curfew?" Remus asked, taking several steps closer to stand at Sirius's side. "This is the second time in a week I've caught you out after hours, Lestrange. And I believe the previous time did involve a warning." The words were spoken in a quiet voice, but there was a low undercurrent of something that gave Sirius gooseflesh. Remus was normally so kind and gentle, not to mention almost painfully shy, that Sirius often forgot about the fact that Remus was actually dangerous. It was so easy to forget that Remus had a werewolf inside of him, but at the current tone present in his voice, Sirius was reminded of just how formidable the slim boy next to him could be.

Lestrange seemed to sense it as well. "Fine," he said, taking a step back. "Just give me my wand and I'll go back to the dorm."

"Of course," Remus said pleasantly, tossing the wand to the other boy, who caught it in surprise. "Make sure to take Snape with you," he nodded toward the unconscious boy still suspended in midair. "And make sure to tell him about the meeting the two of you have with McGonagall in the morning regarding all your detentions. I'll be sure to let her know to expect you."

And without waiting for a reply, he wrapped a hand around Sirius's arm and began tugging him down the corridor and away from the two Slytherins.

"Are you all right, Pads?" he asked in a soft voice as he released his hold on Sirius.

"I'm fine," Sirius responded with a sly grin, knocking shoulders with the other boy playfully. "Thanks to you, my curly-haired rescuer." His smile widened as Remus blushed. "How did you find me, anyway?"

"I had borrowed the Map for my prefect rounds," Remus explained as they began climbing stairs. "I was all the way up on the fourth floor when I noticed the three of you together in the dungeons. Sorry it took so long to get to you."

"Oh, my darling Moony," Sirius smiled and threw an arm around the other boy's shoulders. "Only you would rescue me from greasy prejudiced Slytherins and then apologize."

"What did they want?" Remus asked, shifting closer into Sirius's body, who did not remove his arm. It had been over a week since Remus had allowed him to be this close. After Sirius had offered to kiss him, Moony had not allowed himself to be left alone in Sirius's company at all.

"Oh, er, to give me a reminder," Sirius answered distractedly, mind now unable to focus on anything other than the kiss they had nearly shared. That was another problem—ever since he had made the offer and been turned down, he could not stop thinking about it. He seemed unable to stop wondering what it would actually be like, to kiss Remus, which was strange. Why was he wondering so often what it would be like to kiss one of his best friends? And why had he even offered in the first place?

The offer had been made impulsively, but Remus had just looked so unbearably forlorn as he spoke about how nobody would ever want him. It had made Sirius want to grab him by the shoulders and shake him, maybe shout all of Moony's good traits right in his face. He could not imagine and refused to believe that nobody wanted Remus. It was clearly only because of Moony's own hesitation and timidity that he had remained single for so long.

But Remus had said no, and, if Sirius was being honest with himself, it had really upset him that Moony had turned him down. Why didn't he want to kiss Sirius? Remus was gay and Sirius was a good-looking bloke. What was the problem? Was there something wrong with him? Did gay blokes not fancy him? How could gay blokes not fancy him? He was extremely fanciable.

"Are you all right?" A pale hand touched him gently on the shoulder and Sirius blinked, realizing they had reached the Common Room entrance.

"I'm fine," he said automatically, attempting to shake off all thoughts of kissing Remus.

The hand on his shoulder disappeared as Remus gave the Fat Lady the password and the portrait swung open. They climbed through the entrance and into the dimly-lit Common Room. It was quiet and empty, shrouded in long shadows cast by the orange glow of the dying fire.

"Well," Remus began, "er, good night, then, yeah?" He took two steps toward the dorms when Sirius reached out to stop him.

"Wait," he said as he turned Remus back around to face him. "I haven't thanked you yet for rescuing me."

The room was dark, but Sirius could still make out the perfect bow-shape of Remus's mouth. How had he never noticed what pretty lips Remus had? They were so full and soft-looking; how could Remus have never been kissed before?

"You don't need to, really," Remus ducked his head, and even in the dim light, Sirius could see the blush spreading across his face. "You would have done the same thing for me, as well."

"True," Sirius agreed. "But what if I _want_ to thank you?" He stepped closer, until the fronts of their robes were nearly brushing.

"I suppose I can't stop you, then," Remus breathed.

A smile spread across Sirius's face as he slid both hands along Remus's shoulders and up the sides of his neck to hold his head in place as he looked him in the eye very seriously. "Thank you, Moony," he said softly. "Sometimes I truly don't know what I would do without you."

"You're welcome," Remus replied just as quietly.

Neither boy moved. Instead, Sirius began playing with the curls falling so gently, almost delicately, around Remus's face. What would it be like if he were to lean forward just the slightest bit?

"Padfoot…" Remus whispered in a somewhat strangled voice.

"Can I thank you, Moons?" Sirius murmured, shifting his weight closer.

"You just did," Remus said in a confused voice, frown evident in his tone.

"Well, if it's not words you want, then I'll just have to think of some other way to express my gratitude, won't I?"

And before Remus could turn him down again, Sirius bent his head forward and pressed his mouth firmly to Moony's. For a moment he seemed surprised, but then hesitantly molded his lips around Sirius's own, who cupped the other boy's face between his hands as he gently kissed him.

"Sirius…" Remus whispered against his mouth.

Pulling back slightly, Sirius looked him in the eye. "Just enjoy your first kiss, Remus. Let your mind take a break for just a minute, yeah?"

Several emotions crossed Remus's face and he looked conflicted for a moment, but then he nodded. "Okay."

Smiling, Sirius leaned forward to kiss him again. This time there was no hesitation in Remus's movements as he raised his arms to wrap them around Sirius's torso and pull him closer. In response, Sirius buried both hands in the other teen's thick curls, tilting his head slightly to deepen the kiss. Moony let out a small whimper as Sirius sucked on his bottom lip for a moment before his tongue found its way between Remus's lips and then they were properly kissing.

And Sirius had never felt anything like it.

Remus's lips were so soft, so perfectly beautifully soft as he sighed into Sirius's mouth and returned every touch. Never before had Sirius been kissed so tenderly, almost disbelievingly, as if Remus was not actually sure it was really happening.

But as it continued, Sirius felt his body beginning to whisper to him, urging him to speed up the kiss and maybe remove his hands from Moony's hair to place them on more pleasant parts of his body, like the firm chest Sirius could feel against his own, but he forced himself to keep everything slow and gentle. It was Remus's first kiss, and Sirius wanted it to be special and perfect for him. Remus deserved a perfect first kiss, and Sirius wanted more than anything to be the one to give it to him.

Eventually, however, he began to grow light-headed, both from the lack of oxygen and the surprisingly dizzying effect of kissing Remus. Panting slightly, he pulled back to stare the other boy in the eye.

"Thank you, Remus," he murmured simply before untangling his fingers from Moony's hair. He pressed one final kiss to Remus's lips before stepping back completely to survey the boy in front of him. Remus was standing completely still, a dazed look on his face, eyes half lidded and lips still puckered slightly.

At the sight, a flash of heat swept through Sirius and he had to fight against the urge to step back into Moony's embrace and kiss him to within an inch of his life. Merlin, but how he wanted to in that moment.

The thought surprised him and he had no idea what to make of it.

"Good night," said Sirius, struck with the simultaneous temptations to both snog Moony senseless and flee from the room, and compromised for both by leaning in to press a kiss to the other boy's cheek. "I'll see you in the morning."

And before he could do anything stupid, like shove Remus to the floor and have his way with him, Sirius hurried up the stairs to the sixth-year boys' dorm, not slowing his pace until he was in his bed with the curtains drawn safely around him.

His heart began to pound wildly as he thought back over the last few minutes. That kiss had been spectacular. Amazing. The kind of kiss that romance novelists wrote about, and the readers of romance novelists dreamed of sharing. It had been everything he had always hoped and expected a kiss to be before he had actually kissed a girl for the first time and discovered that seeing fireworks was not a literal expression for a first kiss.

But the kiss he had just experienced…

It had been absolutely perfect.

Flopping over onto his stomach, Sirius buried his face in his pillow and groaned loudly. He had just shared the best kiss of his life with his male best friend.

 _What the fuck_?

oOo

_There was growling, pain…there was a ripping noise and the smell of blood…he heard himself crying and could not stop the sound, just as he could not stop the bone-numbing fear freezing him into place as amber eyes glared into his own—terrifying, cold, and lifeless…he felt a heavy weight on his chest and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't breathe…he could not draw a single breath and he began to panic as the growling grew louder…_

"Remus!"

With a start, Remus jerked upright, panting heavily and clutching at his chest as he struggled to draw in breath after shuddering breath. Blinking back salty tears, his eyes slowly focused on the familiar silhouette looking down on him that he would recognize anywhere.

"Sirius," he rasped between quick breaths.

As he attempted to slow his breathing, he stared down at his lap and tried to forget the dream. But he could still feel Greyback on top of him, looming over him, smothering him with his weight; could still hear the snarling echoes of the horrifying creature as he growled and snapped his teeth. The racing of his heart had not slowed and Remus was beginning to feel lightheaded.

Slipping between the curtains, Sirius slid into the bed next to Remus and wrapped his arms around the shaking boy, pulling him into his chest and tucking Remus's head snugly beneath the brunet's chin.

"Shhh, it's okay, Moony," he murmured softly as he stroked Remus's back in comfort. "It's okay, you're okay. Everything's fine, you're with me, you're safe. It's okay, I promise. You're safe, Remus, I promise."

He began to calm and his heart rate began to slow as he laid his head on Sirius's shoulder, slowly relaxing as he breathed in the warm scent of the other boy's throat. Would the nightmares ever end? Was he doomed to being haunted forever? Would a tiny part of him always be terrified of falling asleep? Would the same part of him forever fear the dark?

Sirius had trailed off into silence, holding Remus to him tightly and rocking them both. The quiet was soothing, the rocking was comforting, and Remus felt content enough to fall back asleep. But he refused to; he would not allow himself to miss any part of being held by Sirius so securely, like a lover, almost.

Eventually, however, Sirius shifted slightly and raised a hand to brush the hair from Remus's face.

"Are you okay?" he asked in a soft voice.

"Yeah," Remus responded in a whisper. "I'm sorry for waking you."

His chin was suddenly grasped between two fingers and tilted up until he was meeting Sirius's somber gaze with his own.

"You don't ever need to apologize for having nightmares, Moony," said Sirius. "I'm glad that I woke up and I'm glad that I can be here to help you through it afterwards."

"I'm glad you're here, too," Remus replied quietly.

"I wish I could make them stop," Sirius admitted in a sad voice. "I would do anything to make the nightmares stop, Remus."

"You being here helps more than anything else."

"Maybe I'll just have to always be here then," he joked.

"In my bed, you mean?" Remus asked in an amused voice, but the humor was forgotten as he felt Sirius stiffen.

And suddenly, the memory of the kiss they had shared only two nights prior flooded into his mind—the kiss that had changed Remus's life. It had been more perfect than he could ever imagine—and he had certainly imagined. He had imagined thousands of times what it would be like to kiss Sirius but never had he ever dared allow himself to actually believe it could be possible. Even as it had been happening a large part of him had refused to accept that it was the reality.

After Sirius had gone up to bed, Remus had sunk down into one of the armchairs in a daze, one trembling hand raised to his mouth in shock; he could still feel Sirius against his lips and taste him on his tongue. Had Sirius Black really just kissed him?

A tiny smile had spread across his face just before a single teardrop fell.

He was able to make it up the stairs and into the dorm, pausing to cast a silencing spell around his bed as he ducked behind the dark protection of his curtains before the tears began to fall in earnest. How could he have allowed that to happen? How could he have given in like that? He had been allowed one perfect moment, and would now be tormented by the memory forever. It would never happen again, and Remus would be left forever pining even more after what he had so foolishly allowed himself a taste of.

Sirius would never be his.

The mattress creaked and Remus was suddenly returned to the moment, noticing that both he and Sirius were frozen, still locked in each other's arms, but holding their bodies stiffly.

Did Sirius regret the kiss? Was that why he had been rooted into place at the reminder?

Not wanting to make Sirius any more uncomfortable than he had clearly already been made to feel, Remus broke free of the wooden embrace, scooting backwards on the mattress. As he pulled himself from Sirius's arms, he felt a sharp pain in his chest, as if losing contact with Sirius had torn something deep inside him.

"Moony…"

"It's okay," Remus whispered, grateful for the darkness that hid the hurt he knew was showing on his face. "I'm fine, Pads, you can go back to bed. To your own bed," he corrected, flushing.

"…Remus…"

"Really, Sirius," said Remus in a firm voice. "I'm fine. Believe me when I say, these nightmares are nothing new. You said it yourself: I'm okay."

"I…um…all right, then, I guess," Sirius said quietly. "Are—are you sure you're okay?"

"Of course I'm okay,"—how would he ever be okay if Sirius was leaving?—"I'm fine and I don't need you here anymore, Pads,"—had he ever spoken such lies before?

"Okay. Um, guess I'll see you in the morning then, yeah?"

"Sure."

As Sirius slipped from the bed and Remus was once again left alone in the darkness, he felt a hollow pang echo through his chest and, to his eternal surprise and everlasting shame, he also felt somewhere deep within him the strong urge to howl at the waning moon.

oOo

With a heavy thud, a steaming tankard of butterbeer was placed on the table directly in front of Sirius. Grinning handsomely, he turned to look up at the woman standing over him.

"A million thank you's, Madam Rosmerta, my darling, my angel, mine!" Sirius exclaimed, reaching out to grasp her hand and press a kiss to the back of it. "I eagerly await the day to arrive when we both awaken, say 'sod it all!' and run away together. Is perhaps today that dreamt of day, my love?" The question was accompanied by a dazzling smile.

With a laugh, she removed her hand from his grasp to pat his cheek lightly. "Sirius Black, you are absolutely terrible."

"But terrible in an irresistible sort of way, yes?" Sirius smiled wider.

"You, young man," she said with a knowing look, "are the worst kind of trouble—the charming kind."

"But my charm is the reason you're so smitten with me!" Sirius tilted his head, allowing his hair to fall gracefully into his eyes at an angle and causing Madam Rosmerta to laugh again.

"Like I said," she shook her head with a grin, "the most dangerous kind of trouble. I'm not sure I can even imagine the sort of devastation you must cause. You're quite the heartbreaker, aren't you?"

"I would never break your heart!" Sirius declared hotly, lips twitching. James sat next to him, chuckling into his own foaming butterbeer.

"You couldn't if you tried," she smirked, placing one hand on her hip as she surveyed him. "I'm onto you, lad. Believe me when I tell you, I've got your number."

"She doesn't trust me, Prongs," Sirius said sadly, turning to face James for a moment before turning back to Madam Rosmerta with a determined expression. "I'll prove myself to you yet and earn your trust," Sirius vowed, placing one hand over his heart as if in promise. "Be prepared to be carried off into the sunset at any moment, my dearest!"

"Why is it," James interrupted in an amused voice, directing his words to Sirius, "that we can never step foot in here without you making a fool of yourself?"

"Professing my love to my one and only is hardly making a fool of myself!" Sirius said indignantly, before turning to Madam Rosmerta with an earnest expression. "Am I right, my beloved Rosmerta, thou who art like the sun and the heavens to me?"

Throwing back her head, she laughed loudly. "Oh good lord," she chortled, "all the hearts I can hear shattering all over Hogwarts. You filthy shameless charmer, you. Time to leave me be and let me work now, you troublesome flirt."

"For now, my love," Sirius sighed. "Until, as I mentioned earlier, the day comes when I sweep you off your lovely feet and whisk you away into the eternal sunset of our own poetic romance."

With nothing but a shake of her head and another loud laugh, Madam Rosmerta turned and began winding her way between tables back up to the long bar.

"She's right, you know," said James, "you are shameless."

"Oh, like you're one to talk," Sirius retaliated lightly, sipping at his butterbeer. "Stalked Evans much lately?"

"I'm taking the weekend off," James grinned.

"She must be enjoying the break."

Still smiling, James shook his head. "I'm just giving her time to miss me, is all."

"I'd imagine she'd need quite a bit of time."

"Oh, she misses me," James insisted, "even if I'm the only one who actually knows it."

"The relationship the two of you share really is inspiring," Sirius said sarcastically, rolling his eyes. "You're just like that one famous Muggle couple…you know, the ones who loved each other too much to live and killed themselves after faking their deaths, or something?"

James shrugged. "If you're saying that I would give my life for my true love, she who is Lily Evans, then I would say to you, the comparison is accurate. But," he fixed Sirius with a stern look, "my relationship with her is not doomed to end in tragedy."

"Course not, mate," Sirius grinned, "Not if she won't even agree to a first date."

"I'm choosing to stay positive about it all, you prat," James mirrored the grin before turning his attention back to his butterbeer.

"So when are Moony and Wormtail getting here?" James asked suddenly, lowering his tankard to the table with a heavy clunk.

"Er, I dunno," said Sirius uncomfortably. "Did you tell them to meet us here?"

"No, I thought you did," said James in surprise. "Remember when we were talking about going to Hogsmeade, and I told you to tell Moony and Wormtail to come with us? I had just assumed they were meeting up with us later. Why didn't you tell them?"

Fidgeting uneasily, Sirius shrugged. "I must've forgotten, sorry," he lied. He sipped at his butterbeer to avoid looking at James. Why had he chosen not to tell the other two about going to Hogsmeade?

Attempting to ignore the answer that his mind refused to allow him to, he began squirming around in his chair. He knew the reason why. Ever since that kiss he had shared with Remus, things had been different between the two of them. Remus would tend to avoid Sirius's eye, and Sirius would tend to avoid Remus.

It wasn't that he didn't want to be around Remus; it was just that, lately, being around Remus made Sirius's head spin. He wasn't sure what to think anymore when he looked at his best friend. Every time he looked at the other boy, all he could think of was the kiss that they had shared, the one that Sirius had impulsively initiated. And he still wasn't sure why. Had it actually been driven out of impulsiveness? After all, Sirius did normally tend to act on his frequent spontaneity. Was this another of those countless times? Or were there other unknown reasons behind it?

Maybe the real reason was that he had been unable to accept the rejection of a kiss the first time he had offered. He had never ever been turned down for one before, and maybe a—very loud—part of him had been unable to accept it.

Maybe it had been initiated entirely out of gratitude. Remus had saved him, after all, and he had only wanted to thank the boy. And he had chosen to express that gratitude by trying to give Remus the one thing he so clearly craved and had yet to experience.

He had only wanted to make sure that Remus's first kiss was special, beautiful. He had wanted it to be perfect for Remus; he had not even thought about how perfect he himself might have seen it.

And it had been perfect.

Never before had Sirius shared a kiss that he felt so strongly, so deeply; never before had he shared a kiss that he felt all the way down in his bones, making them tingle and thrill. He had even dreamt of the kiss more than once in the week that had passed since. More than anything, he wanted to experience it again.

But it was Remus. How could he, when it was Remus?

But he could hardly just continue to avoid the other boy like he had been doing. He did not want to lose Remus from his life like that. But he seemed completely unable to stop thinking about that kiss.

"How did you just forget to tell them?" James's voice cut through the haze of confusion enveloping Sirius.

"Er…" Sirius shrugged. "I had a couple detentions, and I've been busy, and stuff." He shifted uncomfortably. What was he supposed to say? _I couldn't tell Remus because of the mind-shattering kiss we shared a week ago, and I couldn't invite Peter and not Remus because then it would look like I'm going out of my way to avoid Remus, when really I'm just trying to stop thinking about how badly I want to grab him and kiss him again?_

Groaning internally, Sirius slumped in his chair. There was no way around it.

He was doomed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that concludes chapter three! Any thoughts, comments, questions? Maybe any concerns, confessions, or small talk? I'm dying to hear from you, internet :)


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